leopards - pt. 5 (all the young girls love alice...)

the year of our lord 2008 is a year that will go down as infamous in the family records. of course, the incident that will stay indelibly marked on everyone's hearts, was the loss of Pierce Taylor Sharai. his passing marked the start of a year that has just reached the half-way point. several events have brought surprise to some and dismay to others.

Lirette is the focus of this almost final chapter of the "leopards don't change their spots" series of posts. and so i begins...

before Pierce died, we spoke vaguely about Lirette. i asked if he's seen her or had a chance to socialize with her. he told me that he, or Johnny, rarely saw her now that they had gotten older. she hung out with a different group of people than he did, so it was not anything manufactured with purpose.

i secretly let out a sigh of relief, as i still thought of the strong possibility of Lirette being my daughter.

the thought of them coming together by chance terrified me. over the years that passed from toddlers to teenagers, one cannot possibly know the pain that it caused. anyone thinking that i need to be punished for the act of origin is welcome to step in my shoes of that time. it was a running bad dream...

 i can't recall just how, but i found out that the father that she knew as her father had died of a heart attack close to two years ago. i was quite taken, as he was a friend of many years. despite the estrangements, we had still grown up together and it made me quite sad to think of his passing.

at the same time, though, it rekindled my curiousity to find out more about Lirette. however, i had no way to contact her without her thinking i was insane. i could just see calling her and saying, "hi Lirette. you don't really know me, but i think i'm your father. may i have some time to - CLICK!" right. she'd have hung up on me in an instant. then she would have told Mom L, and that could have disastrous consequences.

when the tragedy of Pierce came, i was unprepared to handle anything of an emotional nature. it was all i could do to keep from collapsing. there were many family members, friends and acquaintences at the funeral home. it brought about a conundrum in the fact that i wanted it to all be over; but i dreaded it drawing to a close. the lid would close on the casket and he would be gone forever. the finality of it was making my head spin.

but wonderful and incredible friends like Woody and Mairi, Woody Sr., Roger Kennedy and all of the Hired Gunz scenario paintball team, the entire New Orleans paintball community, and so many others that i couldn't begin to thank were steadfastly there. of course, Karen, Alyson, Mitchell and Kat were there, as much time as their father would let them. and walking through the family rooms, i saw someone i had not seen in a long time.

Mom L stood by the wall. i hesitated to approach until she indicated that i could. Thanking her for coming, i immediately asked where Lirette was. i really don't remember the details of the conversation, but Lirette had decided not to attend. after polite thank yous, i moved along.

this brought Lirette back to light again. i discussed the whole thing with Karen. she expressed interest but advised me to use caution. i started out looking around and found myspace and facebook accounts that had her name. i introduced myself as an old friend of her parents. we made contact regularly. but considering the past behavior of Mom L, i decided that it was not fair to either of us to continue this relationship. it was torture for me and she might start to think i was some weird perv or something. so i stopped sending messages and replied to anything that she sent as briefly as possible, if it required a reply. the traffic slowed and died out. i delivered it to the back in the closet of my mind until something would bring her out again.

then came the shocker. the one that gives you that adrenaline zap to the gut. i was reading her bulletin posts, as i had subscribed to them for convenience. and there was one that was her usual fare; boyfriend, skateboards, weekend activities, etc. then a line that said something to the effect that she was sad or upset because a relationship with someone she cared about had soured.

reading more, i looked for the bastard who had dared hurt her. she said his initials were "M - R - F". hmmm. m r f, eh? didn't ring any bells. looked it over a few times when it kicked me right in the ass. my real father... nah. couldn't be. but it was. it was true. she knew about me. i was speechless... elated... happy... relieved... but wait a minute. how did she find this out?

did you lose your faith in God, no?
does your conscience always get you down?
fall to pieces rough and tumble
does your conscience always get you down?

these days it's all in the mind
it's elemental
don't say you're up when you're down
it's elemental


i'll be back with the last installment of "leopards" very soon. my eyes and my mind can only write for as long as my ass can stand...