Little Lambs Eat Ivy...: March 2010

Oh my God... As life has gone for the past couple of decades, I left behind the demon that accompanied me along with my blithering alcoholic binges. It was most certainly the enemy that masqueraded as a friend and never failed to place me in the exact bad position. We're not talking about a little rise in blood pressure; a red flushed face or a few stomps of the foot... horsie like, you know? Nah, this is hard edged and steely eyed rage and it comes from having my mind kidnapped by something deep and dark that I can't see and don't want to see.

You see, my brain has holes in it that open and close at random intervals. I can normally keep the rage holes closed. But when any number of the right things build a scaffold to climb up to the lowest and easily accessed hole, whoo boy, it can get gamey. They creep around in my thoughts, like rats in a sewer, and gnaw on the lines that control my emotions.

It's like a "Lost Weekend" for mental patients instead of drunks. Since I gave up the sauce quite a few years ago, in theory, I shouldn't have any of these Ray Milland kinds of freak-outs. Evidently, the big guy does not see it that way and continues on his mission to try and force me to end my life prematurely. Sorry, Pal. Ain't happened yet. You throw your best pitch and I step in for a bunt. Right. Knock it out the park? Not in this lifetime. I get the stuff that is only intended to hurt if you're paying attention. Had I still been a drunk, I could have gone through it all immune to the emotional torture that came with sobrering up. Brother Mark was almost a year of sheer mental ice picks being hammered into your head. Every day, watching someone you love deteriorate into someone who fears not of death, still wants to live, but can only wait for which choice will be made for him. For he has no choice in the matter.

And don't think for one second that I don't, at least, understand the pain my brother was going through. I looked in his eyes and held him tight. I looked in his eyes when he slipped from this life and I saw his soul go from this world to the next.

And then came Pierce. Wonderful; fantastic; endearing; intelligent; witty and the second of the three people on this earth that carry a piece of my soul. I'll not go far in this room, as the books all read the same. My heart slowed noticably the day that he died. But I never did give thanks. I think, that for MY OWN SANITY, I need to give thanks to those who assisted in taking my Pierce away from us all.

Pierce himself. "Thy flag I fly is mine and it displays excess"... Forgiveness is yours and yours only.
The scum who have already been tagged. Enjoy your time in jail, Ladies. Gary Toca, you're next on the Price is Right, Jailhouse Edition.
The scum who haven't been tagged. You know who you are; You were in the room: I will never rest until I see you pay dearly for what you took from me. I hope your sleep is riddled with nightmares of how you took someones life away because of your own selfish actions. I hope you see blackness descend on your hearts while the reapers carry your souls to the bowels of Hell.
The NOPD Multiple Awards and the Coroner's Office - All for the callous, mean, disgusting and inhuman way you treated an family insane with worry and grief trying to find the "baby" of the family. Your cold demeanor and refusal to give not one inch of information made our wait for confirmation an agonizing ordeal. The NOPD Crime Lab did a fabulous job in collecting evidence in the room. You left behind two laptops, a cell phone and a wallet after your CSI like sweep. It showed how seriously you took your jobs. After all, it was just a little white boy who OD'D. What foul play could have gone on? Maybe the kid didn't KNOW he was doing what killed him? Body positions; things left behind. OTHER PEOPLE IN THE ROOM WITH DRUGS! NO ARRESTS! If I drove down the street with a gram of coke on my console and was stopped by a cop, do you think I would go to Jail? Without a single "Get out of Jail Free" card. you know.
Lets not forget the Marriott Hotel for the fabulous job they did getting rid of the security tape. That was after they rented a room to a nineteen year old boy and allowed booze and who knows what else up there. Mardi Gras! Drink up and fall down! And they get an Honorable Mention with the Coroners Office for stonewalling a grief stricken family trying to find our anything.
A special high five "THANKS" to Holly Wood's Mommy. She took it upon herself to call a good bit of the family and spread the news of the death. Much appreciated! Only she told three different stories that fit two different cities. All I can say is that you're a dumb bitch and as stupid as the dumb bitch of a daughter you have. What possessed you to take it upon yourself to spread such a horrifying message to people that you weren't even sure were related to Pierce. YOU are an idiot.
Maybe one day someone will deliver the same message to you in the same way. The way your daughter lives, it's a bet that Las Vegas would take...
Edit for someone special. - Had I been told about the Pierce instances, maybe...just maybe I could have been involved as Pierce's FATHER. This is where my ire is based; the fact that I was robbed completely of the role as father to both John AND Pierce. Robbed because the actions of my second wife gave them a convenient excuse to do so. There were other options in the school situation. But since I was eliminated from the situation, I could not help. Again, who gave her the right to exclude me? Does she know how far the knife sunk in when I found out about the trail of deceit that ultimately ended with losing Pierce?
And last, but not least, Susan & Tony. Special thanks for letting him live the way you let him live. All tolerance and no discipline. Oh, I know you fought him for his educational achievements and he excelled there; But in the long run you were all "friends" and no parenting. For hiding from me the fact that he totalled his Explorer at Fleur-de-lis under I-10 - I pray for your soul. For hiding from me the fact that he was caught doing things in the LSU Honor Dorms that caused him to be asked to leave - I pray for your soul. For getting him his own unsupervised apartment after being kicked out of the dorm, INSTEAD OF MAKING HIM FACE THE MUSIC, allowing him to continue underage drinking and smoking and drug use - I pray for your soul. He could have stayed with my parents or me and commuted to school. "Selfishness-Self-centeredness! That, we think, is the root of our troubles." And Susan, lets not forget how you have left me out of the investigations. Just who died and made you any more special than me as his father? You place yourself on this pedestal, yet you lie about anything you like. "Stepfather" Tony? I sure wasn't invited to the wedding. The only brother Pierce had was Johnny. Why don't you drop the facade and tell the truth yourself. It's interesting to note that Pierce's "stepfather" obtained the room for him at the Marriot for the party thet led to his death. What a responsible parent he is... I pray for both of your souls. Maybe he'll extend his hand to you when the day of reckoning comes and tell you how nice it was to see you on your way downstairs...

Try as I might, I can't think of any excuses for you. In the time I spent with Pierce, there was none of the underage drinking or drug use that occurred. I was able to be his friend, but there were guidelines that he had to follow. What angered and still hurts me the most, is that you were so sanctimonious concerning the way you raised the kids in your constant attempt to punish ME for leaving you. You were the "perfect" mother. Such devoted sacrifice. Everyone could say "Poor Susie and that rotten bastard, Jes!" Fifteen years later you seethe and you STILL can't let it go... The best part about what I write is that it is MY opinion and you have nothing to say about it.

At the Gunfighter Pro Shop 2nd anniversary dinner...

Pierce with E-2 at McClellan "Silent Night" MOUT

All of this anger and grief has built up inside of me and it's begging to be let out. I jumped on someone very close to me yesterday who didn't deserve it at all.