"But first, are you experienced. Have you ever been experienced? Well, I have..."

Despair is like forward children, who, when you take away one of their playthings, throw the rest into the fire for madness. It grows angry with itself, turns its own executioner, and revenges its misfortunes on its own head.
- Pierre Charron

The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation ... A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind.
- Henry David Thoreau

D     E     S     P     A     I     R

To understand despair is to have never really experienced it. In the cycles of my days, my various maladies reach out at different points. What they are trying to do is a mystery to me. Today, despair is my companion. Through the events of yesterday and today, the obsessive-compulsive disorder built up inside me like air in a childs balloon. It fills and fills until the latex turns the color white on its way to tearing at one point with a characteristic, "POP"!

So just what does one do with this? It's a juggling act in your psyche; a walk down the balance beam with an off-weighted pole. When more than one psychiatric illnesses converge on you at one time, it can literally throw you off your feet. Bipolar Disorder; I hate that name and always did. Makes me feel like I've got a disease that places half of me at the North Pole and half of me in Antarctica. Manic Depression; now THAT'S a name for a disease that fits me.

Manic Depression's touching my soul,

I know what I want,

but I just don't know

(how to go about getting it).

Feeling, sweet feeling

drops from my finger, fingers

Manic Depression's captured my soul.

It's straightforward and right to the point. No mish-mash or pussy-footing around. You're MANIC or DEPRESSED or BOTH AT THE SAME TIME! WOW! Sounds like it needs more cowbell! "or", he said in a fit of piped blue edging, "you can rapid cycle which is pretty much self explanatory, I THANK you!". Not to be confused with, "IWANTOTHANKYOUFORLETTINMEBEMICELFAGAIN". Thanks to Mr. And the Family Stone. So now that we've established the fact that I live life in a ping-pong game. I never know who will be laying a paddle on me.

 

So we can go on to the next ugly ogre that haunts the space in my skull, OCD. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Yummy! This hits at various stages of severity, depending on the day of the week and the severity of my stress level. This is also one of the most misunderstood mental maladies that I have. That's my unlearned opinion, of course. I do know that it does get me in the most trouble with everyone and everything. I get in particularly hot water with my Honey. I also like the really stupid names they have for forms of OCD. Anal Retentive. What in great horny toads is that supposed to mean?

 

When I was much younger and before I had been diagnosed as having faulty circuits, I remember watching a Saturday Night Live sketch with Phil Hartman (RIP). He was cast in "Cooking with the Anal Retentive Chef". I can recall wondering what the shit was anal retentive? Some kind of butt trouble? Then I saw how he threw out all the little things that I was great at doing. Hand washing; obsessing over stupid things like PRINCIPLES; (Principles are good? Not when arguing with a Security Guard over your ability to park in a loading zone while he's handcuffing you!) The placement of objects; Cleanliness; a whole list of things that continue to drive me stupid in more ways than one. At the severity level that I enjoy it, though, it's called OCD.

 

Then there is the one that is the most mystefying to me, Schizoaffective Disorder. The DSM III says, "it represents one of the most confusing and controversial concepts in psychiatric nosology". Yep. That's me, alright. What I can determine is that you have schizophrenia and manic or depressive episodes all at one time.

 

Taggart: I got it! I got it!
Hedley Lamarr: You do?
Taggart: We'll work up a Number 6 on 'em.
Hedley Lamarr: [frowns] "Number 6"? I'm afraid I'm not familiar with that one.
Taggart: Well, that's where we go a-ridin' into town, a-whompin' and a-whumpin' every livin' thing that moves within an inch of its life. Except the women folks, of course.
Hedley Lamarr: You spare the women?
Taggart: Naw, we rape the shit out of them at the Number Six Dance later on.
Hedley Lamarr: Marvelous!  

Now. My despair isn't gone yet. But it's taken a back seat for a few hours. See you soon...