Is it something I said (final chapter)?

In the original chapter of this subject, I wrote of Vince. This past Saturday, Vince died. Or should I say, Val. Val Hufft was his real name and he was an old and dear friend. That makes two down in two weeks. Eric, then Val. The creator must have something special in store for me. My Brother, my son and two of my best friends go before me. Wow.

I'll write more later. Now is the time for reflection...

Satellite systems up - 3... 2... 1  Reflection complete. Proceed to data entry...

"Welcome to the real world."

I said "Welcome to the real world."

Are we rushing like the wind?

Naked out and naked in.

"Welcome to the free world."

I said "Welcome to the me world."

Are we rushing like the wind?

Put your loving arems around.

Did you lose your faith in God, no?

Does your conscience always get you down?

Fall to pieces, rough and tumble;

Does your conscience always get you down?

These days it's all in the mind;

It's Elemental.

Don't say you're up when you're down;

Tears for Fears said it so well in the song, Elemental. Does your conscience always get you down? I planned to write about how Val and I celebrated Going through young adulthood and how we handled the onrush of adulthood. Val was a close friend and we celebrated many "firsts". Since I claim fifth amendment immunity in the majority of these situations, I can only say that there are some secrets that went with him when he passed.

Seeing him lie in the hospital bed, a hollow shell of what he used to be. Just Monday night I brought Karen over to meet him. He was alert and I was able to step around the nursing staff and bring him some ice water and a fresh straw. We talked in the language that, frankly, only he could decipher. Save a few sentences that made sense, but made no sense. I never got to say good bye for real. I stood at the door on Saturday, December 26th, and just watched him. His breathing labored as he took each breath as a strained gulp. My only thought was that he was going to die alone in this room. Little did I know that it would be in less than three hours... What a screwed up legacy he made for himself.

I hold it there. To one of my closest and dearest friends, I hope you've found peace. I know, first hand, the misery and the demons you kept tucked back behind the firewall you built out of your life. Your desperation showed. That's right, you could not fool me. Not about that. But it matters not now. You've moved to greener pastures and a better world. Hopefully, we shall meet again, my friend. I love you, Man. Farewell...

Please Come Home for Christmas...

It has been said, 'time heals all wounds.' I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens. But it is never gone.

Rose Kennedy

Here we are on Christmas Day in the year of our Lord, 2009. For Christmas, I prayed to God that the events that took you away would somehow reverse themselves and that you would come back to the arms of the people who love you so dearly.

 

But, alas, as I sprang from the bed in the early morning hours, you were not to be found, cept in my heart. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR! IT'S NOT FAIR THAT FATE TOOK YOU FROM US! IT'S NOT FAIR THAT YOU, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU PLAYED SUCH A DANGEROUS GAME WITH YOUR PRECIOUS LIFE AND LOST! Now we are all destined to live out our lives in the shadow of what could have been. The hope of what you could have done. The love we all had for you, quashed.

 

My heart and soul are filled with those wounds. Bur scar tissue has yet to form. My sanity still walks a very fine tightrope. I still strive to catch a glimpse of you. In a shadow; in a dream; in a new picture that I've never seen before.

 

But no matter what, I still love you with all of my existence. You shall always live in my heart. May your Christmas be glorious, wherever you are, my son. I love you.

 

Funeral for a Friend (Love lies bleeding)...

I lost an old friend on December 1st. It touched me deeply because when I had tried to contact him after my second marriage, which it the last time I saw him, I was told that he had died. What a cruel trick to play on someone.

He went with a nondescript obituary and not a photo to go with it. Here is where I pine over lost photos in Katrina, as I had pictures of us together. He was a visionary thinker, and influential friend and one of the kindest people I ever knew. He was always soft spoken and gentle to those he came into contact with. I will miss the thought of him and deeply regret accepting the word of someone concerning his death when I should have verified it. To be absent in his last days seems like a betrayal.

This is my tribute to you, Eric Lugenbuhl. Great friend, never scared to take a risk, crazy SOB... May you rest eternally in a better place.

he would have been a man today...

Oh, how my heart hurts today. Twenty one years ago today we brought you into this world. We spent so much amazing time together, only to have it ripped away by careless individuals content to see your life's candle snuffed out; satisfied that what they did was acceptable in the eyes of God and man and able to live with the guilt knowing that they took you away. But we will never forget. We will never forget what happened and how you were taken from us. Justice will be served.

HAPPY 21ST BIRTHDAY, PIERCE

WE WILL ALWAYS LOVE AND MISS YOU

Someone I know is now someone I knew...

I love Henry Rollins. He puts into feelings into the same words I would put feelings into. He's on my top ten list of people I'd like to meet. And I know Pierce liked his stuff. And that says a lot because Pierce was a perfickity little sucka. But we did hitch up on music. Music and Paintball.

So much loss
So much pain
So much sorrow
amd so much strain.
So much anger
So much rage
No the sadness never fades.
You're gone
I'm left to move on.
Seems like I'm saying good-bye again,
Seems like I'm saying good-bye again,
Seems like I'm saying good-bye again,
Seems like I'm saying good-bye.

So we continue to pound the ground every day. driving in the car, a song comes on and triggers a memory. My eyes well up with tears at the thoughts of how we shared that particualr soneg.  Watching Palladium and a concert comes on with Satch and I think instantly of you and how you worked so hard to learn to play the "Mystical Potato Head Groove Thing". The tears fall down. The tears fall down. Seems like I'm saying good-bye again. That's the most difficult aspect of losing you. Every time one of those wonderful memories comes to mind, it seems like I'm saying good-bye one more time. While it keeps you alive in my heart, it is painful. The only place I can express it all is here in this blog. They'd never admit it, but everyone else is mostly tired of hearing me pine over you. So I come here and pen my feelings. My own version of Pulp Fiction, except for one thing. You're gone and won't be back. There's no fiction there, only fact. I miss you so much. We all miss you. What will I do on Monday? What will I do with the Ying to your Yang. But a parent should never see the Yang of their child.

In the way you look, tonight...

All the things you did to endear them to you. As it comes closer to your birthday, Son, I think of all the photos that I have of you getting ready for or at a function. With all your friends surrounding you as you goof off and pull you hijinks. It nears the day when you entered this world back in December of 1988. My little Texan. I'm sorry that I couldn't afford to put the memorial in the paper this year. Things haven't exactly been fabulous in the financial department. But we do what we can do and we make it by as we can.

You were so happy on the day you graduated from Ben Frankilin. The time we spent at Mandina's and the pride we felt when you stepped up on that stage... Christ, I miss you. The pain will never subside. I know that now. I have almost come to accept it. I still have dreams where you are still here with us. They're SO damn realistic and vivid. But as I come from the dream world to the world of the awake, my heart sinks as I full realize that it is not going to happen. But it does not mean I miss you any less...

Wherever you are, I'm thinking of you. I always think of you. So if you can feel or hear my thoughts, you know that this is the truth. The reckoning will be coming soon. Those people who did you wrong shall feel the wrath of Bella'al and they shall get what they deserve. In time, my son... in time...

While Monday is your brithday, it is also a rebirth of sorts for your brother. He starts with the Kenner Police Department and is looking forward to a career in Law Enforcement. But you already know that... I know that when he grduates and stand tall on that stage, you will be there with him. In spirit and in soul; in heart and in feelings; you will be there for him. I only wish I could stand with you both with my arms around you. That would make it perfect...

Tomorrow the plow becomes the sword...

Well, I have something to be extremely proud of today. My oldest son, John, has passed the long and arduous hiring process of the Kenner, LA, Police Department and is scheduled to start with them on Monday. This is a great accomplishment for anyone to meet. Although that really wasn' the hardest part of the whole ordeal, it was in preparation for what is to come. As an ex-law enforcement officer, I know what to expect for him, in general. He will now enter the training academy to eart his POST Certification. This is a gruelling and character building ordeal that will shape his future and earn him the spot he has sought since beginning the process.

"I'd have to be a warrior,
a slave I couldn't be.
A soldier and a conqueror,
fighting to be free."

Wishbone Ash - Argus

CONGRATULATIONS TO JOHN, FROM YOUR DAD!